so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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