my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
