i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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