My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
