what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
As shirtless as possible
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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