Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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