38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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