I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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