so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
