I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
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It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements