i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.