You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
