New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
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He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
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I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.