sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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