Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
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heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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