I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
