It was confusing and full of hummus
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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