birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
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