i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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