Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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