woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
