My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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