Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
