I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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