we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
