someone threw a dead crab at me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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