I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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