Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
