my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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