My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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