the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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