Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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