the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
