They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
