Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
