God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
