you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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