My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
