I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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