booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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