hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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