Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
