She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
