I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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