I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize