My friends, they love my intelligence
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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