My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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