We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
