Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
