no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
