We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
