I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
