I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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