it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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