do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
