Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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