i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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