he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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