We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
