Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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