I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
