phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
