Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
