Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
