I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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