i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
